Irrational Fears

Over the past few weeks Mom has been experiencing nightmares, of a sort. She must be dreaming that she is alone because she will wake up calling my name in a panicked manner. As soon as she hears my voice she calms down and goes back to sleep, perfectly at ease and no longer worried. I spoke about this behavior with the interviewer from the Alzheimer’s study when they called last week. She said that it isn’t dementia setting in since it is occurring only in Mom’s dreams. She thinks it is a perfectly normal manifestation of the disease, however. I suspect that, not really knowing where she is all the time, even in her own home, makes her more fearful of being left alone and lost. She is never alone, but, when she’s sleeping, she doesn’t always know that. It’s an irrational, but totally understandable, fear.

Frankly, I can identify with irrational fears. I have been having panic attacks worrying about what will happen to me when I am no longer needed here to care for mom. Where will I go, what will I do make a living at my age? Will anyone be able to take care of me when I need the same help I’m able to give now?  These are apparently normal questions and points of worry for caregivers. I was stunned to find out that I am not just a paranoid worry wart… well, I am, but I’m not the only one! I am blessed, however, to have family who support me in the care of my mother and in assuring that my worries, my irrational fears, are soothed just as I soothe my mother’s.

There is no way that I could do what I do for my mother and maintain a calm and patient approach without the backup, support and constant care of my siblings, aunts and cousins. They all step in when I am worried or tired and take the needed steps to keep me in one piece so that I can continue to do the same for Mom. I honestly don’t know how people, who don’t have the vast support structure with which I have been blessed, can do what needs to be done without falling apart now and then.

Irrational fears, yeah, we got ’em! But I’m here to soothe my mother’s fears and my family allows me the freedom to plan, sometimes on a microscopic level, the way the next phase of my life will go and to set those plans in motion in order to allay mine. Mom may start awake at night, crying out, in response to her fears, while I lay awake at night trying to plan everything out step by step, over and over, in response to mine, but that’s okay. At least I’m awake and ready to respond when she startles awake and calls my name. So it’s all good!!